Hayfever is kicking my ass right now. I'm glad I can just focus my eyes. *g* And that I had already written most of this last week.
Daniel finds a way to combine business and pleasure by becoming Yu's slave for a big System Lord meeting. Daniel is crushed when Jacob tells him he can't wear the black leather outfit with matching dog collar. Everyone else is crushed when the Goa'uld bomb the Tok'ra base. At the meeting, Daniel sulks because the leather outfit would have fit in just fine. Not to mention he has to flex all the time to keep the sweatbands on his arms. Yu warns Daniel not to have sex with the other slaves. He forgets to warn Daniel not to have sex with Osiris, though, and she's brought a dog collar with her. Teal'c and Jack do some stuff.
Sam's dead boyfriend has taken over jailbait Lt Elliot's body, which is kind of the opposite of Daniel's situation. They're trapped but a friendly Horta helps them tunnel away from the Jaffa. Meanwhile Daniel and Osiris have finished having sex and Daniel zaps her with a memory drug so he doesn't have to call her like he promised. The System Lords have sashimi. Yu and Osiris fight over Daniel, who slips out the back way. Sam's dead boyfriend dies again. Teal'c and Jack do some more stuff. Jack suspects Daniel got it on with Osiris, but Daniel has just enough of the memory drug left to convince Jack that Daniel was in the infirmary with a broken leg during the mission.
(In all seriousness, is there Daniel/Osiris fic? I can't imagine anything hotter.)
A big asteroid is going to hit the earth. Only one amateur astronomer has noticed it so far and the Air Force "convinces" him to keep quiet. Paul Davis uses the asteroid as an excuse to come to the SGC and shag Daniel senseless. Jack still thinks Daniel is in the infirmary with a broken leg, so he doesn't notice. The asteroid gets so close that it's going to hit Earth the next day and the Air Force has their work cut out for them, "convincing" all the astronomers in all the countries everywhere not to say anything about it. Sam wants to blow up the sun, but she's outvoted so instead SG-1 lands on the asteroid, has a bunch of problems, then makes it disappear. Hey, presto!
This guy who is obviously a Goa'uld only everybody thinks he's a Jaffa is gathering an army of rebel Jaffa. He makes Jack feel uncomfortable, but everyone else figures Jack just feels threatened. Sam shows off. Jack gets beaten up. Teal'c succumbs to the Goa'uld's charisma. Daniel tries to shore up Jack's threatened manhood. I yawn and browse LJ on my laptop.
SG-1 finds an android on an abandoned world and since nothing bad ever happens when androids are involved, they turn it on. The android gets a big crush on Daniel. Jack is not pleased. Daniel gives the android some LEGO and when she makes them into scary bugs, they figure out that she was the one who made the Replicators, you know, the same ones that are threatening the Asgard. This, of course, makes Jack even more pissed off, since she's caused so much trouble for Thor. The whole base is over-run and even General Hammond runs around with safety glasses and a big-ass gun. In the end, Daniel tells the android that she'll be safe and then Jack kills her and it is sad, so very, very sad. Jack and Daniel do not have sex.
The simple and gentle people of some random planet have a big scary weapon. The NID broke it and now SG-1 has to fix it before the Goa'uld blow up the planet. But for some reason, Sam doesn't even get to try to fix it. Instead they get the NID people who broke it in the first place out of prison. Jack goes to talk to the simple and gentle leader of the planet who has a touching faith in the big scary weapon. The rest go to the weapon. It is behind a force-field that's hard to get down. For some reason, Sam doesn't even get to try to get the force-field down. Instead, Daniel figures it out. It turns out that the weapon wasn't broken -- the NID just murdered the guy who operated it. So the NID colonel gets to redeem himself by operating the weapon which turns out to be way more scary than I had assumed it was. La la la, the end.
SG-1 goes to Kelowna, only not the one on Earth. Everyone is excited to meet sweet, sweet Jonas Quinn! Except Jack, because he's jealous that Daniel and Jonas have a Special Bond. The Kelownans are doing dangerous experiments with
plutonium naquadria and things go wrong. Daniel leaps into action to save sweet Jonas and receives a huge dose of radiation. The radiation causes Daniel to grow and grow until he is fifty feet high. "What kind of sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this upon himself?" Daniel says. In the end, the Blue Fairy taps him with her wand and he ascends to a higher plane. He hooks up with Wesley Crusher and they cruise around the universe together while everyone else is miserable.
Everyone is depressed without Daniel. Then news comes that Thor has been killed. This is too much for Jack, losing two lovers in as many episodes. He thinks people will be afraid to date him now. They go to rescue another Asgard, Heimdall, and it turns out Thor is still alive, so Jack's life has purpose after all. Jack and Teal'c run around on Osiris's ship while Sam beams in and out via hologram. Jack and Thor have a tender reunion scene. The all beam out. Thor isn't in the greatest health, but dedicated nursing from Jack will restore him to full health.
Now on to season six! Jonas! Mmmm.