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PoT Fic: Yo Quiero Kaidoh Kaoru (InuKai)
This started life as back and forth comment fic in storyteller's LJ, after a particularly traumatic experience of hers. I took advantage of her delicate state to convince her to let me incorporate her contributions into the expanded story. (And, obviously, this isn't the WIP I was whining about yesterday.)

And now, beer at the pub, then catching up on comments and reading.

Yo Quiero Kaidoh Kaoru by Halrloprillalar
Prince of Tennis, InuKai, PG13, 1400 words.
Kaidoh likes animals.

Inui checked his hair one more time and rang the bell. For his first date with Kaidoh, everything had to be perfect. He'd run the simulations a hundred times, with as many variables as he could draw from his data. Nothing could go wrong.

Except for a horny chihuahua streaking out through the opening door and commencing to make sweet love to Inui's foot.

Inui stared in horror as the dog humped his ankle like a tiny porn star on his first take of the day. But that was nothing to Kaidoh's face when he caught them in flagrante delicto. Kaidoh snatched the dog away and cuddled it in his arms, shooting a dirty look at Inui.

How had Inui missed this? True, it was hard to gather personal data on Kaidoh. Kaidoh was always so reserved. And Inui sometimes found it hard to remember all the details after he'd been spying on Kaidoh for any length of time. But still, Inui was slipping.

"What did Daddy tell you about playing with strange men?" Kaidoh muttered to the dog, stroking its head.

Inui reached inside his pocket and pressed the panic button. Within 30 seconds, Renji would call his mobile, giving him a way to excuse himself and escape.

Kaidoh tucked the dog under his arm. "Come on, ChiChi-chan, we said we'd go out with Inui-senpai." ChiChi growled at Inui and Kaidoh looked like he was about to do the same.

Inui's phone utterly failed to ring. And after he'd been there for Renji when Kirihara dragged him to that idol performance. He pressed the button again.

"Inui-senpai is taking us to the movies," Kaidoh said, rubbing his cheek on the top of the dog's head.

The dog, Inui noted, looked much more like a rat than a dog. Also, it was ugly. "But Kaidoh," Inui said. "Dogs aren't allowed in the theatre. Maybe we could go for a walk instead or have some ice cream."

"Don't worry, ChiChi-chan, Inui-senpai will keep his word like a good senpai."

Inui sighed and almost wished that Kaidoh weren't looking so damned hot tonight. Almost.

They smuggled ChiChi into the theatre in Inui's satchel. Inui filled his pockets with his binoculars, MD recorder, notebook, and beloved VAIO. Kaidoh filled the satchel with toys, dog snacks, and a fluffy pink blanket he produced from somewhere about his person. Inui had to carry the satchel.

"It's all right," Kaidoh said, patting the wriggling bulge in the bag. "Daddy will be watching to make sure you're safe."

The ticket booth charged Inui for an adult admission, but he couldn't argue without drawing attention to himself. In the line for popcorn, ChiChi barked and Inui had to cough several times to cover.

As soon as the lights went down in the theatre, Kaidoh took ChiChi out of the bag and held him in his lap, feeding him popcorn and stroking his head.

Inui reached over to get some popcorn before it was all gone. ChiChi threw himself against Inui's hand with even more romantic fervor than he had bestowed on Inui's leg. Inui could feel it on his actual wrist, the disgusting little rat's actual ... no, Inui couldn't even bring himself to think it. He jerked back and clicked the panic button frantically. Why wasn't it working?

Maybe the theatre had installed cell-phone blocking. Probably it wouldn't be active in the toilets. And then Inui could scrub his hand. Of course, this was just a preliminary cleansing; when he got home, he was going to get to work with pumice stone and disinfectant. He got up and started moving to the end of the row.

ChiChi growled. Kaidoh looked over. Inui sat down and wiped his hand on his pants.

When the psychopathic little girl's bloody face appeared in the mirror, Kaidoh shrieked, precisely according to Inui's calculations. But where he should have clutched Inui's arm and burrowed his head in Inui's shoulder, Kaidoh hugged the mangy rat instead.

When they left the theatre, Inui had to wait while Kaidoh went to the toilets. It wasn't until Inui felt the warm wetness on the bottom of the satchel that Inui realised ChiChi had had the same idea. Inui swore, ChiChi barked, and they got kicked out. The usher took a picture of Inui. "You're banned from here," he said.

Kaidoh met them on the sidewalk. "Remember, Inui-senpai said he'd buy us ice cream." Inui bought ice cream and they sat on a bench to eat it. Kaidoh fed ChiChi Inui's cone.

"Ice cream is unhealthy for dogs," Inui said.

"Daddy loves his ChiChi-chan so much!" Kaidoh said and rubbed his nose against ChiChi's horrible damp snout. He dropped the ice cream on the ground and an old woman told Inui off for littering.

Inui's mobile didn't ring.

While he had already ruled out the option of a long-term relationship with Kaidoh, so long as he owned that rodent in canine clothing, Inui still had hopes of seeing some return on the evening. The universe owed him a little sugar.

So he swallowed his pride, gritted his teeth, and sucked up to ChiChi-chan. He praised ChiChi's healthy coat (like a dusty carpet a miser threw away for being too threadbare), his shining intelligence (like the rotting eggplant Inui found in the back of his refrigerator that morning), and his winning temperament (like a demon with haemorrhoids and a migraine, or, worse, Inui's great aunt).

And it got Inui back to Kaidoh's house, into his room, and onto his couch. Now Inui just had to get his tongue into Kaidoh's mouth and he would count it a good job done.

If only ChiChi-chan weren't sitting in his Doggy King De-Luxe Slumber Palace, which looked more comfortable than Inui's bed (and which was probably more comfortable than even Atobe's bed, though Inui had not yet been able to obtain full data on Atobe's sleeping arrangements), and which was right in front of the couch. If only ChiChi-chan weren't staring straight at Inui with eyes like the Evil Marbles of Hell.

It put Inui off his game.

Kaidoh was showing Inui a photo album of ChiChi-chan, volume 3, number 4, and Inui thought his brain was going to crawl right out of his ears and flee for the nearest museum or library, just to get some stimulation. Just a few more minutes, he told it. I'll make it worth your while. And at least Kaidoh was talking directly to Inui now.

When Kaidoh finished explaining the last page, ChiChi-chan dressed up as Kaidoh's favourite pop star, Inui snapped into action, before they could get to number 5.

"Kaidoh," he said, and took Kaidoh's hand. "Thank you for such a wonderful evening with you...and ChiChi-chan." Kaidoh didn't pull away, so Inui leaned in and pressed a kiss to Kaidoh's mouth.

"Senpai," Kaidoh said and flushed. That was all it took to make Inui forget everything but Kaidoh's extreme cuteness. He kissed Kaidoh again, longer, and pushed him back against the couch.

Kaidoh responded, opening his mouth and sliding his arms around Inui's neck. Inui pulled him closer, kissed him deeper, and shivered a little at how good it felt.

It was when Inui was sucking on Kaidoh's tongue and slipping his fingers down inside Kaidoh's waistband that Inui's leg once more received the same treatment he was hoping to impart to Kaidoh.

Inui pulled back from the kiss and wondered how he was going to get the little bone-rack off of him without upsetting Kaidoh. Maybe if he just pried it off gently. He reached down and Kaidoh caught his hand.

"I think he likes you," Kaidoh said, looking up at Inui with eyes so intense they could have made Inui come in his pants if his leg weren't being violated by a sexual predator disguised as a chihuahua. Kaidoh trailed his hand up Inui's arm. "Do you like him too?"

Inui woke up screaming.

When he had calmed down, he took out the list of possible birthday gifts for Kaidoh and crossed off "puppy".

And first thing in the morning, he was going to test that damned panic button.

I am scarred for the rest of the day. POOR INUI'S AGONY.

Inui deserves some payback for all the agony Kaidoh goes through, poor thing. It's only fair.

Though I'm not sure it was fair to make all of *you* suffer too...

Should there have been a warning or something?

that is so totally utterly wrong and kind of brings to mind the fanart with the PANTHER. which is to say that I love you.

Kaidoh blushing and saying "senpai" all blushy is pretty much worth anything. As is Inui's panic button! Renji is probably not answering because Kirihara is busy humping his leg or something.

I need to write some Renji-fic.


the title? BEST THIS EVER.


I feel you, Inui. ;____________;

Re: the title? BEST THIS EVER.

*or THING. clearly I cannot spell when in trauma.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

You know, I kept imagioning throughout if it was something Renji and Kaidoh cooked up, the former to test out his own data theories, and Kaidoh to get revenge for always being put on the spot.


Hee! Renji and Kaidoh cooperating against Inui would be the most frightening thing ever. Of course, they ultimately fall for each other, leaving Inui to work out his sorrow by doing Tezuka repeatedly, at least until Fuji admits he masterminded the whole thing. Then he and Inui battle it out with a trivia contest, with the loser forced to wear the girls uniform for three days, and Fuji can't decide if it's better strategy in the long term to win or lose. Oh, and Atobe and Momo have sex in Atobe's limousine.

Or something like that.


"Do you like him too?"

This was my favourite line, though Kirihara dragging Renji to an idol concert was inspired too. Definitely going in the memories! :D Thank you so much for sharing!

I wondered if it was the same idol that Kaidoh dressed ChiChi-chan up as. Maybe he and Kirihara run a stalker website together.

Glad you enjoyed!

Oh god...I was so scared reading this fic.

Thank GOD it was a dream.

Hee! I'm glad it was all right in the end. :)

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Too bad the panic button didn't work *on* the story as well as *in* it. *g* I think Kaidoh would be at least half this bad if he had a pet of his own. But I hope he wouldn't get a chihuahua.

Poor Inui, thwarted by a chihuahua. I think my favorite bit was the panic butotn, though.

Inui is weak against small dogs, it seems. I can just see Mizuki trying to use that to his advantage. *g*

And I love that icon!

It amuses me to no end that Inui has a panic button on his phone.

The bits with the insane Chihuahua amused me to, but mainly the panic button. XD

I was biting my lip throughout this whole thing and actually lost control in front of my room mate at one point, but OMG SO WORTH IT.

Now he just needs a backup system for when the panic button doesn't work. Maybe yelling, "Look, it's Gackt!" and then running away.

I hope you didn't lose your roommate's respect. *g*

How absolutely great. The kiss was SO sexy, even if it was dream kiss. Poor Inui having to be pitted against a dog. LOL

Inui deserved a *little* fun at least. And there are some wars you just can't win, even if you're Inui Sadaharu. :)



All I can think about is Paris Hilton's awful little rat dog as I was reading. *shudders again*

Within 30 seconds, Renji would call his mobile, giving him a way to excuse himself and escape.--> omgyes.

I was torn between being horrified and amused. The panic button, though? Priceless!

I think that after one of them uses the panic button, Inui and Yanagi meet in a previously agreed-upon location to, er, cleanse the palate of the bad date. One day, they will realise why they both keep dating such troublesome and crazy kohai.

I think it's his turn to suck it up. :) Kaidoh usually has to suffer so much.

XD I might be scarred for life now, but, it was worth it. Greatness

I should have added a disclaimer that I wouldn't be responsible for anyone's therapy costs. *g*

*whimpers* I don't think I've ever felt so bad for Inui before. Poor baby.

I'm sure it will build character. Or he'll work out his stress in some way or another with Tezuka.