Kaidoh Kaoru and the Dread Pirate Momo-chan by Halrloprillalar / prillalar
Prince of Tennis, MomoKai-ish, PG-13, 1100 words.
A bedtime story.
Kaidoh was shipwrecked. That harrowing ordeal had left him floating on the open ocean in a small lifeboat, along with one Echizen Ryoma, a fellow passenger on the now-sunken liner on which they were making the long journey from the United States of America to Japan, which was an island nation.
Unbeknownst to Kaidoh, Echizen, after the first period of post-wreck adjustment, had begun to study Kaidoh with an eye to either shagging him or eating him; he wasn't yet sure which he preferred. Of course, it was possible to do both, if one started with the shagging, but there was something awkward about eating someone after such intimacy; it was perhaps ignoble.
In any case, Echizen was much too fatigued to seriously consider either course and spent the larger part of his time napping under a sheet of canvas.
Kaidoh, without a notion of the thoughts directed towards his person, divided his time into three activities: fretting, scanning the horizon, and writing in his diary with a small pencil. A typical entry ran:
Fourth day at sea. Weather hot. No rescue. Thought I saw a tuna but it was just the reflection of a cloud on the surface of the water. Food running low.
On the ninth day, when Echizen was beginning to think he would have to rouse himself to eat Kaidoh after all and Kaidoh's pencil was getting very difficult indeed to sharpen, a ship appeared on the horizon. The inhabitants of the boat were much restored in spirit and they spent the little energy they had left in waving and halloos as the ship drew alongside.
Ropes were lowered and they were taken up into the ship. The captain himself, a frank and handsome man with a truly magnificent hat, met them on the deck. "Welcome aboard," he said. "I am the Dread Pirate Momo-chan."
"Whatever," Echizen said, because, as a man of the world, he prided himself on never being surprised by anything. Kaidoh, however, was shocked and, compounded with the effects of his travail in the lifeboat, was weakened by the news to the point of swooning.
He fell to the deck, his face pale with starvation and his eyes wide with horror. "Pirates!" he said, his voice rough and desperate. "But you're not flying the Jolly Roger!"
"Shit!" the Dread Pirate Momo-chan said. "Why is the flag down?"
"You ordered it taken down so we could add a pair of crossed bananas to your emblem," replied the first mate, whose name was Kamio the Red. "Even though I told you that bananas are stupid and nobody is afraid of them."
"But I like bananas," said the Dread Pirate Momo-chan. "Arrr!"
"Arrr!" said Kamio the Red, joining in with gusto.
"Hey," said the Dread Pirate Momo-chan. "Only the captain is allowed to say 'Arrr!'"
"Well, why can't I be captain for once?" Kamio said and a scowl twisted his face.
"Because," Momo-chan said, "it's my ship."
"But you broke my ship!"
"Can we not discuss this in front of the prisoners?"
Echizen yawned. "Is this going to take very long? I was in the middle of a nap."
Momo-chan coughed and tried to regain his customary fearsome manner. Then his gaze was caught by Kaidoh, who was fainting on the deck. The youth's fit and slender limbs, his delicate features, and his fine black hair piqued the interest of the rough pirate and stirred a hunger that could not be satisfied with bananas.
The Dread Pirate Momo-chan turned to Echizen. "Is this creature your companion?"
"Well, I was planning to shag him," Echizen said. "One of these days."
"Could you bear to part with him?" For the pirate knew he would not be happy unless he had the lovely creature under his power.
"Do you have any food?"
Momo-chan barked an order and the cook came up on deck, a harassed looking man whose long dark hair took on a blue sheen in the sunlight. He wore an apron and carried a bloody cleaver, for he had been interrupted in the act of preparing the mid-day meal. His name was Pepper Shinji, so-called for his addiction to that spice.
"If you call me out of the kitchen like that, then lunch is going to be late and everyone will be cranky," Pepper Shinji said. "And then they'll pay less attention to their work and not tie the ropes properly and somebody will lose an eye."
"Yeah, yeah," the Dread Pirate Momo-chan said. "Just take Echizen here and give him some food." He turned to Echizen. "And I'll take your friend here off your hands."
"Deal," Echizen said.
Meanwhile, Kaidoh had revived enough to have some inkling of what was to be his fate at the hands of the charismatic pirate. "Is everybody gay? First Echizen and now you. And that guy Atobe who said he could help my singing career."
"Oh, I'm not gay," Momo-chan hastened to assure Kaidoh. "And I doubt your friend Echizen is either." Echizen nodded his agreement and Kaidoh began to relax. Momo-chan put his hands on his hips so that he looked very swashbuckling indeed. "It's just situational homosexuality. From being at sea."
Kaidoh fainted again.
"Hey, we're not situationally homosexual," Kamio said, putting his hand on Pepper Shinji's ass. "We're actually gay."
"Nobody cares what you are," Momo-chan said. "You're just the first mate."
"Okay, that's it." Kamio raised his fists. "It's on. Right now. You and me."
"Mutiny!" cried the Dread Pirate Momo-chan. "Take him, boys! He walks the plank this moment!"
"Here." Shinji handed Momo-chan a banana, which distracted his attention so Kamio could get away. "Come on," Shinji said to Echizen. "I'll get you some food. But I hope you don't want any bananas, because those are all for the captain."
Kaidoh was left alone with the Dread Pirate Momo-chan, whose eyes glittered at the sight of such a prize. Momo-chan slung the unconscious youth over his shoulder and carried him back to his cabin.
When Kaidoh regained himself, he found the pirate studying him, a curious look on his face. "Jesus Christ," Kaidoh said. "Not this again. Can you at least help my singing career?"
"For sure," Momo-chan said. "Without a doubt. Pirate's honour."
"I guess that's worth a blowjob."
The Dread Pirate Momo-chan was pleased with his bargain, and he only got pleased-er as Kaidoh demonstrated his skills. Piracy, Momo-chan reflected, was certainly a superior way of life.
And he continued to think so, right up until Kaidoh restrained him while he slept, stole his bananas and his ship, and ruled the seven seas as the pirate king Dirty Jack Kaidoh.
Momo-chan was always glad that Kaidoh's singing career never took off, though.