The Crack(s) of Doom
Nota bene: if you usually skip the intro (due to it sucking) you may want to watch it this week since that's the only place you'll get any gratuitously hot Tokugawa. :(
We open to a voice over the intercom: The Loser Bus is waiting for the Loser Boys to take you Loser Home. So get your Loser Asses to the Loser Parking Lot. Losers.
The winners watch aloofly from a hilltop as their teammates and lovemuffins board the bus. Tearful farewells from Golden Pair and Silver Pair. Choutarou doesn't know how he's going to sleep at night without his wifey. Shishido is already thinking about the new video game he's going to buy on the way home.
Sanada looks back at Yukimura. "Go home, get undressed, and wait for me," Yukimura says. Sanada doesn't answer but we all know he will.
Workout Coach, standing on a balcony like a dictator, flanked by clone sub-coaches, gives the winners a tortuous training menu (ie half what Kaidoh does every day) which they have to complete within six hours, in addition to their usual sexy shenanigans for the cam feed.
They are forced to do the routines in unison to music, not for the added power of a training montage, but because those who are not selected for the main tennis team may yet earn glory on the cheerleading team! (The coaches regret that Gakuto was cut since he would have been a great flyer.)
Back on the Loser Bus, we can see who are Bus Boyfriends (Momo and Kaidoh) and who is Sad and Lonely (Sanada).
Tragcially, we don't get a close up of Inui and Yanagi holding hands, but we know they are because it was in the manga.
Sanada stares out the window and has...can it be? A FLASHBACK TO HIS MATCH WITH YUKIMURA. Of about 0.5 seconds. And no black tentacles. Stop fucking teasing us!!!
Anyhow, they are down to 57 bottles of beer on the wall when they realise the bus is not driving them home like they thought it was going to. The bus driver forces them off the bus in a deserted forest and he must have a gun or something because otherwise I don't know why 25 junior high kids couldn't just commandeer the bus and drive to Tokyo Disney. I'm sure Sanada has a big rig licence.
The woods are all dark and scary and the kids are all alone, miles from civilization, and about to be hunted down and killed by a deranged man with facial scars and a hook, all due to a huge misunderstanding about the "slasher fans" of the show.
And there he is now! Oh, it's just Stringbean Coach, along with his ichinen toys, Ryoma and Kintarou, who have been having a very educational day. Well, it's all new to Kintarou, anyhow.
"My real job begins here," Stringbean says and I don't think I can make that any creepier that it really is. "Climb the mountain," he says, which you would think was a metaphor for working hard except that there's an actual big-ass mountain behind him.
So, I have to ask: Did these kids have to get a permission slip from their parents to be abandoned in the woods and risk their lives climbing a mountain without equipment or supervision? Oh, they did. Well, that's okay then.
Ryoma starts off down a dark path, because he thought there was a vending machine there. Everyone else follows because they
Sanada, being slightly less stupid, stays behind to confront Stringbean about what's going on. Tempted as he is, Stringbean is too afraid of Yukimura to try anything, though.
And they climb the mountain. Yeah.
Momo slips and falls, due to his arms still being fucked up. Ryoma is actually concerned about Momo! With Tezuka, Tokugawa, and Atobe all back at the camp, he's got to think about his own needs. Well, okay, Ryoma just likes his Momo-senpai and it's rather sweet.
"Just leave me here to die," Momo says. "I'll only slow you down."
"But we might need to eat you later," Ryoma says.
"If anyone eats Momoshiro, it's going to be me," Kaidoh says. Momo perks up a little.
Sanada drops by to give Momo a reverse psychology pep talk about how there's no shame in giving up and going home. Or maybe Sanada is just depressed right now.
Kaidoh, his heart moved by the tender memories of those golden times with Momoshiro, pawing each other in bathroom stalls, carries Momo on his back. "You can be on top for once, you idiot."
Their love is angry and beautiful and I will never, ever get tired of it. ♥
And there is an inspiring mountain-climbing montage, much more manly than the cheerleading montage back at camp. Momo falls asleep on Kaidoh, which you would think Kaidoh would be used to by now.
It's dark and there's a creepy suspension bridge to cross.
Anyhow, their parents signed the permissions slips.
Around the campfire, the boys discuss whether they are supposed to be making Lord of the Flies or Lost references. Also, who they should eat first. "Not Momoshiro," Kaidoh mutters.
A creature in the forest howls and skulks around the edges of the camp, frightening the boys and not really providing any clarity to the Lord of the Flies/Lost situation. It turns out to be Yuuji, who went feral in the woods while looking for Koharu. (This really happens.) But Koharu's sparkly love brings Yuuji back from his wild state. Also, Zaizen is there with a bunch of mushrooms which are definitely not poison.
There is one more dangerous cliff to climb, so they decide to climb it in the dark, due to being stupid and unsupervised. Sanada takes charge and
People randomly slip and other people randomly catch them and a bunch of tennis balls randomly drop from the top and randomly start some fucking rock slides. Momo and Kaidoh prepare to die together. Sanada is hot. Also an inspirational leader who gives about the longest speech I've ever heard from him. But mostly hot.
They reach the top. Bodies lie sprawled and unmoving on the cold, misty ground. Ah, and there's the scar-having, hook-wearing psychopath who's going to kill them all.
Even Ryoma looks scared.
Next week: Data Pair Paradise!