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You can call me Hal.

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Some things you can't forget. Even if you want to.

the rosy pucker of his untried entrance

Got one that's worse?

Try this one:

Jack nudged the elastic down until it was caught under Pacey's balls, pushing them up away from his thighs and giving Jack the perfect angle to chow down on them.

What, are they German?


I know it's not very polite to laugh at other people's pain, but all the same, hahahahahahahah!

there's always the Jossverse classic "filling her with his cold, dead seed."

A well known author in Jossverse continues to insist that the prostate is lickable. Without, apparently, its removal or the use of a prehensile tongue.

Oh yes. Several.

The worn gray sweatpants Daniel had on were living up to their name and clinging tenaciously to his lower body, molded like a second skin to his gluts, thighs and calves. The soft suede moccasin boots finished the picture creating a vision of a feral woodland godling.

And also:

Nested in the thick, black curls, his manhood hung, soft, thick, and pink, just resting over the wrinkled, velvet purse between his downy thighs.


Oh, god, the wrinkled velvet purse is killing me.

Two words.

"Balmy lair."

"more than human vastness"

I think all of the above comments make it quite plain that some terms should be deleted in fics, put a way and never looked at again ... as another LJ friends said if you are ever tempted to use the word "intruder" in porn that isn't about breaking and entering? it's time to step away from the keyboard. Her comment about having read so much bad fic that she was almost using the same terms in her own *g*

If I never again see semen described as "viscous, blood-warm fluid", it will be too soon. Too soon, I say.

his glittering obsidian orbs penetrated the core of Harry's being

his hot, pink gates of love

(It's actually a bad translation of the Japanese colloquial phrase, or so I was told at the time [my friends were determined not to let language classes get dull])

Are you sure it wasn't the hot, pink gates of looooooooooove? Those extra Os can make a big difference. *g*

Severus again parted him, taking his erection and introducing the turgid tip to the primed entrance of the boy's eager body.

Maybe we need a Bulwer-Lytton Porn Contest.

Aw, damn, if I knew where the Nikita stories were I'm thinking of... I'm not going to be able to give an example off the top of my head, though I did at one point ask the person quoting them whether Nikita, in that story, actually had a tail. (She did not.)

!! I don't even read or watch LFN, but I was once pointed to a story that has become my personal hallmark of badness -- the sort of thing you quote lines out of to non-fan friends just because it's so. damn. bad. And now I can't remember where it was or what it was called, except that there was a really impossible public blowjob in a restaurant booth, Michael "thanked the fashion gods" for Nikita's thong, and it ended with the line: It is always thus when lovers enter the gates of heaven together, the perfect climax, the perfect moment, the perfect OH!!!!

God, I wish I could find that fic. *g* Does Nikita breed worse porn than your usual fandom?


Okay, I'll tell you why this sentence actually works for me:

It's dirty and yet not inelegant. "Rosy" is a cute, cliched word, even a little childish that way. When I know that it's being used to describe something so forbidden and sexual, it makes me blush. "Pucker" has very much the same effect--it should be a neutral word and yet when it's said, I know exactly what you're describing, so I'm feeling supremely naughty by that point. "Untried"--you're telling me that he's a virgin without using the obvious word or spelling it out in unsubtle, agonizing detail, and that gives me a pleasurable feel. (Not to mention my Virgin kink.) And "entrance" is the word that's chosen to end it, on a gentle euphemism, so that the feeling of blushing naughtiness is given a moment of justification: "It's all right to like this dirty stuff." I like this phrase. If it fits into the rest of the language of the text I wouldn't have any trouble with it.

There's always one, isn't there? *g* Really, though, thanks for posting this. It's all subjective, isn't it?

I actually find a lot of badfic deeply satisfying, but this particular piece was even more OOC than usual and the prose was very purple. This was the phrase I couldn't get out of my head.